[mkell755]

Thanks for the feedback Amitofu! I will work on that. I saw the clip, interesting! I will work on that sort of punctuation and energy, like you say accusatory. Thanks!\

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Katelyn! Thank you so much for the candid feedback, this is very helpful. I actually have a long list of things I really do love and have been very actively searching sample scripts I can believe in for me and also sound excited. I’m also interested in narration and telephony, and will work towards a narration demo next, but first it’s a commercial demo (one thing at a time, per my coach). This is not harsh at all, so thanks again! I have a coaching session tonight and sharing detailed feedback is really one of the best ways to improve for me. Thank you!!!

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Chas! I like this read. You have a nice, warm tone. Your pacing and clarity were great, as well as the words emphasized. It sounded very natural. Very good!

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Erik! First of all, welcome!

I liked this read – great energy (I will learn from you!) and pacing and enunciation throughout. Your voice sounds well-suited for this genre. Keep it up!

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Toque, great reads! Allstate was good – very straightforward and comfortable / authentic. Pier 1 was totally cracking me up! I could really hear the smile in your voice and the inflections were all over the place (in a good way, especially for this script), which made it really fun to listen to as the story was being told. I think too for this script which is basically a run-on sentence, your choice of where to take breaths seemed very natural as well. Really nice work! Loved it.

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Toque, thanks for the feedback! Yes, I do struggle with energy as well. For a gym read I agree that it needs to be full of energy, but this one also has a no-nonsense vibe, like hey we’re here if you want to work for it, but we’re not going to chase you down or bend over backwards to be a “friendly gym”, you have to want to be fit to come here, So, for that reason I tried for a more take it or leave it approach (however they may not be what the advertising world wants). Thanks again! Really appreciate it.

Mary

[mkell755]

Hi Erik, thanks for the feedback! I will work on the energy. In my head this is like level 9 of 10, so I don’t want to overdo it or sound phony. I will work on it – Thanks

Mary

[mkell755]

Hello all! Here is a recording (that I recorded on my phone) for any and all feedback. Looking for commercials that I can relate to, and boxing suits that for me (no sparring, only bags) thanks!

Mary

Fit and Fight
Do you want to be fit? Do you want to fight? Well, let’s go! Fit and Fight is the only gym where you can fight to get fit, get fit to fight, or do both. Get fit with an IFBB world champion bodybuilder. Learn to fight with a German amateur boxing champion. And did I mention it’s a friendly gym? Well, it isn’t. If you want a friend, get a dog. If you want to get fit and learn how to fight, you know where you need to be: Fit and Fight.

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[mkell755]

Ah, ok. Interesting! I’m no coach on the pauses, it just seemed a hare short to me after each question. I tried to imagine that if I heard this as a commercial on the History Channel that it would be stretched out with pauses in between and music in the background; it does not sound like a script that would be rushed.

P.S. I understand the slower speaking too; I’m from Oklahoma and we are not known to be the fastest talking part of the country! lol

[mkell755]

Hi Robert! Good reads! I too prefer the second script, it sounds little more convincing, decisive and letting people know what the John Deere brand stands for. This is a great genre for you. Very good!

Mary

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