Feedback Forum

[JDM]

Hello all,

I had my third coaching session and was asked to upload more practice pieces to the feedback forum, so here goes. Any comment is appreciated! Among other things, I have been working on trying to make dense scientific and medical stuff sound “friendly,” per my coach’s instructions. I worry that my attempts at friendliness often lead to my speeding up too much and pitching my voice up too high, though. I’d be grateful for your thoughts!

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[SuperLuke]

Hello,
Listening to both takes, I understand that this is an educational presentation, maybe? If so, you are doing an excellent job of keeping the Documentary/ presentation vibe.
My only suggestion is to emphasize the importance of your topic/ keep the listener engaged.

[Jaljr]

Hello, friends –

Here are two lightly edited commercial reads for an upcoming coaching session. All comments appreciated.

JAL

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[Tati Milbourne]

Hello!
Here’s my first narration recording for feedback. Thank you for listening!

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[jliebert]

My admittedly newbie-ish feedback:

You have a great voice for this copy.

Be careful of the pauses. E.g., poor neighborhoods <pause> where the chance to thrive… It sounds choppy at times due to some of the microbuses.

Also, maybe hit the words “grow up” less as it sounds a little unnatural. Also, watch for glottal stops, e.g., on the word “and” after “learn”. Make sure you enunciate clearly. Open your mouth more.

On the list: Leader, Contributor, productive citizen, instead of hitting each and pitching down, I would go up on the pitch for leader, and down on contributor and productive citizen.

Hope this helps!
Jeff

[jliebert]

I just realized I wrote “microbuses”, and meant “micropauses”! I’m going to attribute that to autocorrect!

[Jaljr]

Hey Tati –

I liked the first of the two reads better. I have found that when one reads a script like this, you really need to envision someone on the other end, listening to your good work so that you can make it more conversational. Great job

[SteveVO]

A couple corporate narration reads. Thanks for any feedback.
Steve

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[jliebert]

I like your tone and flow on both of these scripts a lot. My only comment is that the Baxter Industries one sounded a little fast-paced given the amount of detail. If you slowed it down a bit, I think it would be perfect.

[ryanp.bogie]

Hello everyone,

Here are two more narration scripts I have been working on for homework. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you!

Christopher Reeve Voice Over Script

The whole world held its breath when Christopher Reeve struggled for life on Memorial Day, 1995. On the third jump of a riding competition, Reeve was thrown headfirst from his horse in an accident that broke his neck and left him unable to move or breathe. In the years following the accident, Reeve raised much awareness and money for spinal cord research. And in 1998, he penned the heartbreaking, funny and courageous autobiography, “Still Me”. As we look back, you’ll hear from the Man of Steel himself through interview footage as he talks about his early success on Broadway opposite the legendary Katherine Hepburn, and later the adventure of filming Superman on the streets of New York, and how the movie made him a star. With dignity and sensitivity, he describes the journey he has made – physically, emotionally, spiritually. This is the determined, passionate story of one man, a gifted actor and star.

Meditation Voice Over Script

Make yourself comfortable, sitting upright, with a straight spine. With your eyes closed, look at the point midway between the eyebrows on your forehead. Inhale slowly, counting to eight. Hold the breath for the same eight counts while concentrating your attention at the point between the eyebrows. Now exhale slowly to the same count of eight. Repeat three to six times.

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[Jaljr]

Hey, Ryan –

Both good reads. The Reeve script felt a little fast, but otherwise did well in drawing the listener in.
on the meditation script, I was going to say that it needed to be more relaxed, but then you made me inhale for 8 counts, etc. Although that feels like forever on the read, it was effective in getting the listener to do exactly what you were reading. nice job.

[Jaljr]

Hello, friends –

Here are a couple more commercial reads for an upcoming coaching session. All feedback appreciated.

Have a great holiday!!

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[Bil-Bo]

MR. COFFEE ELITE PLUS COFFEEMAKER
NOW WHEN YOU STUMBLE OUT OF BED WITH A MILLION THINGS TO DO, AT
LEAST THE COFFEE’S READY. MR. COFFEE ELITE PLUS COFFEEMAKER STARTS
BREWING WHENEVER YOU SAY. YOU DECIDE THE NIGHT BEFORE, PUSH A FEW BUTTONS AND GO TO BED.
YOU’LL WAKE UP TO A FRESH, HOT POT OF STEAMING SALVATION.
NOW THAT’S WHAT WE CALL A REAL EYE-OPENER.

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[jliebert]

This is really good. And you took the time to add music. Sounds really professional. Is this for your demo?

[Bil-Bo]

Hi
Thanks for listening. It’s in consideration for demo.
BH

[Just_Journey]

**not working from a professional home studio yet, NO technical feedback, please!**

-Does my read sound conversational?

-How is my diction?

-Working on my pace – how is it?

-Am I reading my copy with a good flow or do I sound choppy?

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[jliebert]

I love the “Journey Always” script. Very natural sounding, good pace, great tone. The Disney Princess game sounds like you are doing a character. Your voice is higher than natural. I’d suggest you try it more in your own tone of voice, more natural. Hope this helps.

Jeff

[Just_Journey]

Thanks Jeff; I appreciate it!

[Taralosoff2]

Uploading my first recordings for feedback.
Does my read sound conversational? How is my diction? How about my pace? Anything else jump out at you – for better or worse?
Thanks!

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[ShellyMadison]

I really like the baby bath read. The smile in your voice comes through, and you sound interested in what you’re talking about.

The Danables read sounds a bit forced. You linger on the first vowel of words. Wish I had more clear feedback. Lol the variation in your tone and energy is great. Take another crack at it to find the natural flow like you’ve done more closely with the second read. 🙂

Great first submission!!

[jliebert]

Hi All – Appreciate your feedback on these 3 scripts! Looking specifically for feedback on conversational read, pacing, and flow.

Thanks!
Jeff

California Voiceover script
It’s easy to understand why the United States went to war to get California. A land full of wonders, where one man’s chance discovery triggered a mad rush for gold, and where a new generation of marijuana growers is testing the limits of the law. Full of ancient forests and volcanic forms and a valley that’s also the hottest place on earth.
Enjoy spectacular views along the Pacific Coast Highway or soar over beaches and wine country. Explore Big Sur redwoods and cross the Golden Gate Bridge into the heart and soul of this magnificent state. It’s a region full of character, from movie stars to silicon valley giants to amazing natural wonders. Join us as we visit the Golden State of California.

Golden Gate Bridge 75th Anniversary-Wells Fargo Voice Over Script
May 27, 1937. As evening descends to a chorus of oohs and aahs, where the night before stood only blackness, an icon of human accomplishment now illuminates the sky, and a new era of connectivity and commerce is ushered in with celebration and fireworks.
It was at that moment that the Golden Gate Bridge became an integral part of Bay Area life, as it remains to this day, an every day reminder that the Bay Area is a place where nothing is impossible, and dreams become reality.
The Golden Gate Bridge and Wells Fargo each continue to play leading roles in the growth and development of the Bay Area, and we’re honored to help bring the celebrations of the Golden Gate Bridge 75th Anniversary to life.
To Learn more, visit ggb75.wellsfargo.com.

Company Website Greeting
Meet Bob. Like 95% of car shoppers, he uses his computer, smartphone and tablet to shop for his next car. A few years ago, you could have reached Bob through traditional means such as Direct mail, TV or radio, and newspaper ads.Today, that simply isn’t enough. According to Google – consumers visit 18 websites on average – before stepping into a dealership.

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[Steve Z-A]

Nice reads. Well enunciated and good flow. I found I was wanting the first two to be read a bit faster, with shorter pauses between phrases. Not sure if others would agree with that. I liked the pace of the third one, however.

[jliebert]

Thank you!

[Author]

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